A Good and Proper Bitch-Fest
Have you ever had just "one of those weeks (or days, years, whatever)" that makes you so tired and aggravated that you begin to question the worth and meaning of your own existence? That makes you start to feel dissatisfied with just about everything - your job, your fianancial situation, your personal relationships, your spirituality, and really just the world in general? Well, I'm having one of those weeks. Months, maybe, because I've been down in the dumps for a while. I don't suppose it's anything serious. I used to get like this all the time a few years back, but thought that I was finally growing out of the adolescent angst stages. I guess everyone's entitled to a little breakdown now and again.
Last night I was crying (real tears and everything!) to my husband that the world was full of rotten people and most of us are going to go straight to hell because we know how to be kind, decent people but we just refuse to try to be. A lot of things have been upsetting me lately, but this particular rant was due to the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back - a news article about Natalee Holloway (the missing American girl in Aruba.) I made the mistake of clicking on the "Discuss" link at the bottom of the article. There were a bunch of people on the message board calling her a slut and basically blaming her for the fact that she was (probably) killed by the teenaged boys that she drove off with the night she disappeared. Am I completely naive and/or off my rocker to believe that, if they did indeed kill her, it was their fault? I mean, we all do stupid things when we're young. That's what being young is about...doing stupid stuff that you learn and grow from. The difference is that she's not going to get the chance to learn from her mistake, which to me is a tragedy. There were a few times (ok, a lot of times) when I was in college that I got stupid drunk in some campus bars. Once I actually blacked out while dancing with a guy that I didn't know. The next thing I knew I was in the bathroom puking my guts out. I found out later that the guy I was dancing with actually had helped me down the stairs to the bathroom, and that my friends didn't even notice I was gone until a few minutes later. If he had, instead, helped me out into a back ally and did horrible things to me, would I be to blame? I mean, my behavior was completely irresponsible, but is society really so messed up today that it would forgive the guy who did the horrible things because I shouldn't have been acting like a drunken slut? That I "deserved" to be beaten/robbed/raped/stabbed/what have you because I was being irresponsible? Good Lord. No wonder it's hard to get victims to come forward sometimes.
Anyway, like I said, reading those people's comments wasn't the only thing that upset me. I've been having issues with work lately that have me tense and angry a lot of the time. I've been butting heads with a few people. Even my boss is getting on my case a little more than he has in the past. I think that it's just that I've been at my job for about 15 months now, and he's starting to expect more of me. Great. And my husband, as much as he may think that he's trying to help me, tends to not take my side when I'm having conflicts with people. I think that he's just trying to make me realize what I could do differently in the future to avoid having the conflicts, but what I really want is for him to tell me that the other people are jerks, that I can do no wrong and then love me up and make it better. What? That isn't what marriage is about? Weird.
I suppose that I should really start going back to church. There are a few reasons that I have stopped going (my husband is a different religion so I always have to go alone, my husband is a different religion and does not agree with a lot of my beliefs, my husband is a different religion so sometimes we get into arguments about the catholic church versus the protestant church, etc.). But when I stop to consider my past angst episodes, I realize that my religion has had a lot to do with pulling me out of them and putting the meaning back in my life. I don't have that rock to cling to these days, so it's no wonder I would feel a bit lonely and out of sorts. I keep telling myself that I'll start going to church again when I get pregnant so that I will be a good example for my children, but I should probably just go back now. We'll see.
Ok, well I'll stop venting. My husband knows about my blog now (hi, honey!) so I'll lay off talking about him. Although it's not like he doesn't know that we don't always agree about things. I still love him, though! At least things don't get boring.
Last night I was crying (real tears and everything!) to my husband that the world was full of rotten people and most of us are going to go straight to hell because we know how to be kind, decent people but we just refuse to try to be. A lot of things have been upsetting me lately, but this particular rant was due to the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back - a news article about Natalee Holloway (the missing American girl in Aruba.) I made the mistake of clicking on the "Discuss" link at the bottom of the article. There were a bunch of people on the message board calling her a slut and basically blaming her for the fact that she was (probably) killed by the teenaged boys that she drove off with the night she disappeared. Am I completely naive and/or off my rocker to believe that, if they did indeed kill her, it was their fault? I mean, we all do stupid things when we're young. That's what being young is about...doing stupid stuff that you learn and grow from. The difference is that she's not going to get the chance to learn from her mistake, which to me is a tragedy. There were a few times (ok, a lot of times) when I was in college that I got stupid drunk in some campus bars. Once I actually blacked out while dancing with a guy that I didn't know. The next thing I knew I was in the bathroom puking my guts out. I found out later that the guy I was dancing with actually had helped me down the stairs to the bathroom, and that my friends didn't even notice I was gone until a few minutes later. If he had, instead, helped me out into a back ally and did horrible things to me, would I be to blame? I mean, my behavior was completely irresponsible, but is society really so messed up today that it would forgive the guy who did the horrible things because I shouldn't have been acting like a drunken slut? That I "deserved" to be beaten/robbed/raped/stabbed/what have you because I was being irresponsible? Good Lord. No wonder it's hard to get victims to come forward sometimes.
Anyway, like I said, reading those people's comments wasn't the only thing that upset me. I've been having issues with work lately that have me tense and angry a lot of the time. I've been butting heads with a few people. Even my boss is getting on my case a little more than he has in the past. I think that it's just that I've been at my job for about 15 months now, and he's starting to expect more of me. Great. And my husband, as much as he may think that he's trying to help me, tends to not take my side when I'm having conflicts with people. I think that he's just trying to make me realize what I could do differently in the future to avoid having the conflicts, but what I really want is for him to tell me that the other people are jerks, that I can do no wrong and then love me up and make it better. What? That isn't what marriage is about? Weird.
I suppose that I should really start going back to church. There are a few reasons that I have stopped going (my husband is a different religion so I always have to go alone, my husband is a different religion and does not agree with a lot of my beliefs, my husband is a different religion so sometimes we get into arguments about the catholic church versus the protestant church, etc.). But when I stop to consider my past angst episodes, I realize that my religion has had a lot to do with pulling me out of them and putting the meaning back in my life. I don't have that rock to cling to these days, so it's no wonder I would feel a bit lonely and out of sorts. I keep telling myself that I'll start going to church again when I get pregnant so that I will be a good example for my children, but I should probably just go back now. We'll see.
Ok, well I'll stop venting. My husband knows about my blog now (hi, honey!) so I'll lay off talking about him. Although it's not like he doesn't know that we don't always agree about things. I still love him, though! At least things don't get boring.
posted by flannel04 @ 7:29 PM
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