Ramblings of a Pregnant Woman
I figured it was about time to post again and, while at first I had no idea what to say, it suddenly dawned on me that I have quite a bit to say.
The past few days have brought a sort of shift, you might say, in my whole attitude towards my entire pregnancy. Up until this point I've felt almost like I was "playing along," acting all happy and thrilled that I was pregnant, but not really feeling pregnant at all. I've been detached - unable to conjure up any lasting and true emotions about motherhood. I mean, this pregnancy was planned. My husband and I wanted a child. And I experienced real anxiety when it took longer than I thought it should to become pregnant. Was I unfertile? Was my husband unfertile? Were we just not "doing it" right? What if I never got pregnant? The thought was pretty scary. And then all of a sudden, I was pregnant. And I was happy - at first. Then the tiredness hit. Followed closely by the nausea and vomiting. Then the mood swings, back pain, abdominal cramps whenever I stand up too fast, nagging hip pain if I sleep on one side too long, etc. And I am only getting started - I have another 6 months to go! I told myself over and over, "it's worth it. You will have a beautiful baby in the end. It's all for a greater good." But the problem was, with all of the other things I was feeling, I didn't feel pregnant. My body didn't look different. I couldn't feel the baby move and, for 7 weeks after my positive pregnancy test, I had nothing that was really connecting me to the baby that I knew mentally was there but could not emotionally attach myself to. Then I heard the heartbeat. And things changed - for a few days. I felt connected. But without hearing that heartbeat again after a while I lost the connection. People kept/keep asking me "how's the baby?" And what am I supposed to say? I smile and say "fine." When really I want to say, "how should I know"? I can't see/hear/feel/touch the baby. I assume it's fine because nothing has happened to indicate otherwise. But something could be wrong and I wouldn't necessarily know until I went to the doctor. And I'm only going every 4 weeks. It's not like I have a little crystal ball I can look into and be like, "oh, it's fine. Swimming around a lot right now, all it's fingers and toes, looks like it's going to be a football player!" Or whatever.
Anyway, enough of that. I felt rather guilty, feeling this way. Like I was going to be a heartless, cold mother that the baby would hate and write a tell-all book about someday on his or her road to emotional healing. But, as I alluded to earlier, something has changed in the last few days. I don't know why - I still can't feel the baby. But when I push down a little bit on my lower abdomen I can feel my uterus. Which is actually kind-of cool. And I know that when my hand is there, my baby is just underneath it. And, while most people don't notice a difference in the way I look, I have a definitely rounder and poochier tummy these days. And fuzzier (who knew that being pregnant would make my stomach resemble a bloated white peach?). My husband likes to tease me...when I'm walking around half-dressed in the bedroom he'll say something to one of the cats like, "look at Mom's tummy, Toby, it's huge!" Of course, poor Toby doesn't know that his life is about to be turned upside down by a screaming infant, but I digress. My pants and button-down shirts are noticeably tighter (not just in the waist, but in the bust as well, which I am extremely proud of), so I've been looking at maternity clothes online and getting excited. Excited. Never thought I'd use that word to describe my feelings about getting too fat for normal clothing. I don't know if it's the belly, the boobs, the uterus, or all of a sudden my body and mind just spontaneously forged a connection that clued my brain into a fact that the rest of me already knew, but I feel pregnant. And happy. And glowing. Although I certainly don't look glowing, that's for sure. I forgot to mention the pregnancy induced break-outs that have me looking 15 again. But oh well. I went to the grocery store last night, no make-up to cover my blemishes and poking my still rather pathetic looking baby bump out as far as it would go. And why not? I'm pregnant. And happy. And it's about freakin' time!
The past few days have brought a sort of shift, you might say, in my whole attitude towards my entire pregnancy. Up until this point I've felt almost like I was "playing along," acting all happy and thrilled that I was pregnant, but not really feeling pregnant at all. I've been detached - unable to conjure up any lasting and true emotions about motherhood. I mean, this pregnancy was planned. My husband and I wanted a child. And I experienced real anxiety when it took longer than I thought it should to become pregnant. Was I unfertile? Was my husband unfertile? Were we just not "doing it" right? What if I never got pregnant? The thought was pretty scary. And then all of a sudden, I was pregnant. And I was happy - at first. Then the tiredness hit. Followed closely by the nausea and vomiting. Then the mood swings, back pain, abdominal cramps whenever I stand up too fast, nagging hip pain if I sleep on one side too long, etc. And I am only getting started - I have another 6 months to go! I told myself over and over, "it's worth it. You will have a beautiful baby in the end. It's all for a greater good." But the problem was, with all of the other things I was feeling, I didn't feel pregnant. My body didn't look different. I couldn't feel the baby move and, for 7 weeks after my positive pregnancy test, I had nothing that was really connecting me to the baby that I knew mentally was there but could not emotionally attach myself to. Then I heard the heartbeat. And things changed - for a few days. I felt connected. But without hearing that heartbeat again after a while I lost the connection. People kept/keep asking me "how's the baby?" And what am I supposed to say? I smile and say "fine." When really I want to say, "how should I know"? I can't see/hear/feel/touch the baby. I assume it's fine because nothing has happened to indicate otherwise. But something could be wrong and I wouldn't necessarily know until I went to the doctor. And I'm only going every 4 weeks. It's not like I have a little crystal ball I can look into and be like, "oh, it's fine. Swimming around a lot right now, all it's fingers and toes, looks like it's going to be a football player!" Or whatever.
Anyway, enough of that. I felt rather guilty, feeling this way. Like I was going to be a heartless, cold mother that the baby would hate and write a tell-all book about someday on his or her road to emotional healing. But, as I alluded to earlier, something has changed in the last few days. I don't know why - I still can't feel the baby. But when I push down a little bit on my lower abdomen I can feel my uterus. Which is actually kind-of cool. And I know that when my hand is there, my baby is just underneath it. And, while most people don't notice a difference in the way I look, I have a definitely rounder and poochier tummy these days. And fuzzier (who knew that being pregnant would make my stomach resemble a bloated white peach?). My husband likes to tease me...when I'm walking around half-dressed in the bedroom he'll say something to one of the cats like, "look at Mom's tummy, Toby, it's huge!" Of course, poor Toby doesn't know that his life is about to be turned upside down by a screaming infant, but I digress. My pants and button-down shirts are noticeably tighter (not just in the waist, but in the bust as well, which I am extremely proud of), so I've been looking at maternity clothes online and getting excited. Excited. Never thought I'd use that word to describe my feelings about getting too fat for normal clothing. I don't know if it's the belly, the boobs, the uterus, or all of a sudden my body and mind just spontaneously forged a connection that clued my brain into a fact that the rest of me already knew, but I feel pregnant. And happy. And glowing. Although I certainly don't look glowing, that's for sure. I forgot to mention the pregnancy induced break-outs that have me looking 15 again. But oh well. I went to the grocery store last night, no make-up to cover my blemishes and poking my still rather pathetic looking baby bump out as far as it would go. And why not? I'm pregnant. And happy. And it's about freakin' time!
posted by flannel04 @ 3:53 PM
1 Comments:
At 1:07 PM,
Sasha@Pw said…
Hi - I found your blog through a search. Congrats on your pregnancy! And it sounds like you're happy! It's amazing what pregnancy can do mentally and physically. I hope all goes well for you!
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