STILL TOO MUCH INFORMATION

Well, I guess God must just be playing a cruel joke on me. I took another pregnancy test last night, and it was negative. Still no sign of Aunt Flo, though. I am now 8 days late and counting. Yesterday my husband went from the theory of "you must be pregnant if you're this late" (before I took the test) to "you're just worrying too much about it" (after I took the test). I guess I have heard of women stressing out so much that they delay the onset of their periods, but I hate to think that my f***ed up mind has that much control over the chemical and biological operations of my body! I'm trying not to worry too much about it. I'm not calling the doctor unless nothing has happened by Monday (2 weeks late). I figure that if on Saturday (12 days late) nothing has happened then I will take the last pregnancy test that I have. But I can't imagine it would be positive. Unlike yesterday, when I actually thought I might see 2 little lines on the damn test instead of just the one.

I did become more aware of something yesterday, though, that I had only suspected previously. I want to have a baby. The thought of a pregnancy has been terrifying, but apparently not for the reasons that I had imagined. I thought that maybe I wasn't ready for motherhood, that I doubted my and my husband's ability to provide for and take care of a baby. But then, after inpatiently waiting the 3 minutes for the test to be finished, I was more than a little upset at the negative result. I think that the scary part of being pregnant is the unknown...will the baby be ok, am I taking care of myself properly, exactly how bad will labor be, will I be a good parent? I believe that my husband and I, though inexperienced and lacking large amounts of money, would be good parents. So, basically, we've decided to start trying to conceive. That is, of course, assuming that my whole cycle normalizes and I can actually become pregnant.

So, here we go! And you all get to come along for the ride.